Illness sucks

I believe I may be ill. I am not a good judge of these things and usually something must majorly go wrong before I cave in and see a doctor. Without insurance, that will be the case here as well. No coughing, lungs seem clear, no pain when breathing etc.. so I can rule out any type of respiratory issue. BP is high, but not critical high,,just high, but to get the RX for the meds I need would require a doctors appt. and that would cost allot of $, which I simply do not have. I`m just very tired, light headed/woozy and have slight waves of nausea..oh and a recurring pain in my left eye that when it happens really makes me nauseous. All I want to do is sleep. I`ve been falling asleep early for the last three nights, sleeping 12 hours and still am barely functional. Just writing this is making me feel sick. Weird because I really never get sick.
I am sure I am fighting off a virus of some sort, no fever so I know its not a flu..so no piggy flu.
But the last few days have been no fun, especially working each day. I`m off tomorrow so hopefully I can just zone out and let me body try to fight this thing.
But knowing me I`ll run all over town and give myself zero rest. I am an idiot after all!

Confused as always

So I had an awesome time with Matthew and his buddy Jake. Had them Sat. night through Monday..though I worked Monday and Matt's grandpa took them. Anyway we went to Sliding Rock in the Pisgah National Forest in NC. However no one told me (or rather I was to stupid to figure out) the there is a NORTHERN part and a SOUTHERN part of this forest divided in half by Asheville. So we drove for 2 hours in the wrong direction and ended up at the top of Mt. Mitchell. A mere 6200 ft above sea level. Highest peak in the east. It was 55* and very foggy and windy. SO we stopped for lunch, then drove down the mountain back through Asheville and finally found the place. We had a great time, even I slid down the waterfall!
So Tues. night I`m online on my FB page chatting with Matt and I notice an adult "friend" on his list. SO I say who is that, and he says, someone his mom told him to befriend. SO I said that if he didn't know the dude he should lose him. This was unwise. Ended up with a ranting , raving lunatic texting me and calling me and just going berserk because I questioned her telling Matt to add him. SO I did apologize, but she was on the warpath for hours.
Oh yeah. The great live-in "rabbi" that the ex has. I told Jodi to put his ass in place or I will when it comes to m y kids. He is not father, uncle, grandfather,etc. He is simply Jodi's friend. She must have said something b/c he got on the phone all upset about what I have said about him. I reminded him about how a rabbi running off his own wife in favor of a married female congregant who was in crisis, and then having her move in with him was the absolute worst thing a rabbi could do. Violated Jewish law, ethics and morals. So that was a fun conversation.
Lets see. Work is good. Still being told I am getting promoted. Been told it will happen before then new store starts to get set up in August. Been told by a well placed source "within a week" and the position is a very good one. But the story keeps changing so I will just wait and see what happens over the next 30 days. The good news is something is going to happen.
Hasta La Vista Baby

A Poem I like.

Poem In Five Chapters. By, Portia Nelson

Chapter I. I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I fall in.I am lost ---- I am helpless ---- it isn’t my fault. . . . .It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter II. I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I don’t see it.I fall in again.I can’t believe I am in the same place ---- but it isn’t my fault. . . . It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter III. I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there.I still fall in . . . . It is a habit.My eyes are open. I know where I am.It is my fault.I get out immediately. Chapter IV. I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it. Chapter V. I walk down another street.

The hole in my soul.

In touch now with someone from my past. Never really new her well, but was always a nice person. Very pretty and for the HS version of me I felt way out of my league. Has had some similar experiences as far failed marriage, kids, special needs kid,etc.. Anyway she shared something she had written that really has me thinking. Kind of a self analysis.
Its interesting because I am in such an odd place in my life that I really don't know who I am anymore. I know the basics (good person, good dad, blah, blah, blah). But after what I have been through, is it really possible to come out ok? I don't think so. There must be damage, has to be. But where and when will I discover it. If I don't know what or where I cant begin to address it. Its concerning.
I know, as I have written before, that I have lost my "mojo". I can flirt like crazy, get `em on the hook. But then I stop there. What do I fear? I think I know part of the answer. The old me (late 20`-mid 30`s) was mr. confident. I could do anything I wanted and succeed. And I pretty much did. I was married and never pursued other women, but if I wanted to would have with reckless abandon. "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". This current version of me is battle scarred. Has all the desires, would love a relationship with the right person. Would definitely love having sex. That goes without saying! But cannot make that move. Dating, courting, etc. I do know part of that is just my current situation with all the complexities involved. But the old me would always find ways to make things happen.
So I immerse myself in my job and my children. Perhaps that is best. For now. But there is a giant hole in my soul, that until I find a way to fill it I don't think I will get to the level of peace and contentment I so desperately crave.

Jinx

So much for peace. There is a distant rumbling sound. Called the ex to arrange plans with Matt for next weekend and she started squawking about $. Too bad. Lifes tough.
Saw pics on line of Lauren at camp, she looks so happy. She deserves it. After all the turmoil I caused....ah, no more of my pity act.
Matts birthday is tommorow. My baby will be 14. Amazing. Hes such a great kid..much better kid than I was at his age.
Worked all day, not a bad weekend..worked most of it.
Not much else to report. I`ll see what tommorow brings.
over & out

Hot & Tired, Time for a cold one!

Haven't been in a blogging mood all week. Lots has occurred.
First, court last Monday. I agreed to drop my counter claim, she dropped her absurd claim. I did this to spare the kids any stress. It was the right decision, though a huge part of me would have loved to see it through. Anyway, the ex now gets less than 1/2 of what she was. She did that to herself.
Now my expectation was a ranting raving lunatic. Instead she has been calm and cool. Perhaps she realizes her predicament and if she cant extort money from me, because I called her bluff, she realizes the only way she can get more from me then required is to play nice. Time will tell. I am uncomfortable because I am not used to this sudden reversal in attitude.
Jodi called me Wednesday evening and said that Laurens tests came back and they found an odd result in her spine xray. She has Spina Bifida Occulta. Basically a neural tube birth defect. One or more of her vertebrae did not fuse closed. Occulta is the mildest form of Spina Bifida, so mild that most wont even know they have it. Typically no treatment is required. But since Lauren has been having back and leg pain, mainly nerve pain in those areas, the Doc wants her seen by an orthopedist to make certain that this is not causing the trouble. She will see the specialist in July when she returns from camp.
Work has been going well. I still don't know exactly what they are doing with me. I do know I am moving up however. Just which location remains to be seen. I should have my promotion come the end of July. I really need this to come through!
Still not dating. I really want to, but I resist. Timing would be no good. One step at a time! Stick to the game plan. I know a couple of girls I work with that I would love to ask out, I have friends I talk to on the phone, blasts from my past, that I think could have potential..although logistics would be an issue. But all in good time.
Otherwise I roll along taking the ups and downs as they come. Trying not to take what I have for granted.
Peace.

alone.

Another year older and..wiser?

Well yesterday I turned 42. I feel the same as did at 41. Guess thats ok. The last few birthdays have not been fun..to say the least. So even though The Succubus (aka..ex) is sharpening her claws and will be subpeonaed today probably with my counter claim and response...and believe me this will register on seismographs when she blows..and she is going to go nuclear...and even though I have been royally screwed over for the past few years. I am thankful.
Why? Well I am sitting at home, in a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood with mountain views watching the wildlife with the brook babbling in the background. Very different from last years view. I had my little girl with me, and when I dropped her home got a big hug from my son. My mom and dad, drive me nuts, but love me and have been totally supportive of me always.
So why complain? My life is far from ideal, I still have a long way up the mountain to climb. But at least I`m climbing it. And if this year was so, so much better than the year before, why wont next year be even better than this?
So I`m copacetic. Today. At this moment. That probably will change when The Succubus gets her subpeona. But for now..all is well.
Peace.