I exist. That's about it. I have had over a year and a half to study myself and make new discoveries. The "reborn" me has been full of revelations. Some are;
1. I have ZERO patience for negativity and nastiness and will shut it down quick if its around me. I physically cannot deal with it. Which makes interacting with most of my family a strain on me. Not too mention humans in general.
2. If I could retire today I would. Work/career no longer defines me. Too many men allow that to happen and what happens is before you know it your kids are off to college and you barely know them. Years later you retire and then discover this women that has shared your bed all these years, you don't know her either. Life is not about what work you do or how well you do it. How sad it took personal tragedy for me to see this. I was the proud provider of things. Nice house, cars, vacations, etc.. That's just not what its about.
3. Eventually I will begin to date. However not now. Not yet. Still need my independence way to fiercely. Not ready to share of myself.
4. The missing piece of the puzzle that is me is the social and fun piece. Its missing. I have yet to find it. I like to have fun. But cant seem to get off my ass and do something about this. I guess its not an overwhelming self need yet. However I am acutely aware of my loneliness and boredom.
I simply exist. And that's not enough, to just exist. I am a dad, and I suppose that has been my defining purpose. Making up for the big mess mid-decade. Kids didn't deserve that. So I ride the wave of guilt.
I have given momentary thought to just saying "fuck it" and ending this experiment. But my kids need me, so I shall continue to..exist.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
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