Trash Begets Trash....

I used to tell the ex, white trash begets white trash, to describe a couple we new that, despite all efforts to pretend otherwise, were white trash. All they needed was a trailer to live in. But when trash wins frivolous lawsuit after frivolous lawsuit, they have money. To buy pictures of NASCAR stuff with. One time, when my daughter was around 3 or 4 yrs old she got hurt in their yard. They wanted me to sue them so we could get a ton of money and could not understand why I said no to this.
Why am I reflecting back on these nasty people? Don't know. I have been doing allot of reflecting as of late. I guess after what I`ve been through, it seems a tad unfair this whole life thing in general. But what are ya gonna do? right?
Not much doing. I`m unemployed and have pretty much decided to take the plunge and buy a business. Looking at 2 in particular. It would mean using the family money, alot of it. The upside is that its there. The downside is that its there. I will be selling my soul in some ways. But I don't think I really have one of those anyway and if I did Jodi killed it while I was sleeping many years ago I`m certain. I actually recall feeling my life force ebb in her presence. I thought I was stronger and good is supposed to be stronger than evil. I have learned that is a myth. Evil overpowers and snuffs out good every time. BUT good can outsmart evil. Problem was, my personal evil was a hot blond that was fun in the sack. So she ultimately used those skills to outsmart me. I was such a young naive fool! So, so stupid.
I worried about my kids. Was evil genetic? I am happy to see that it is not passed along. That her mental illness and general evilness did not pass to the kids. They simply have too much of me in them. She knows this..and it drives her crazy! She actually will get mad at the kids when she sees them doing something like me, eating foods I like, emulating me. That's whats important, my kids are good. So good that my daughter at 16 is seeing her mom for what she is. My son, I believe does as well, but she babies him and he likes that. But the girl is onto her mom and while I do not say anything to lead her to her conclusion and try to be supportive of her mom, secretly I could not be more thrilled.
There I said it.
Hasta La Vista

Doing it my way.

SO much happening in so little time. All good stuff though.
The past year has been like an experiment. A demented science project featuring me. I needed to set out to discover a few things about myself:
A. Damage assessment. This is ongoing as I am more often than not surprising myself by how I view and react to things in my world. The most fascinating part of the year long journey thus far.
B. Do I still have "it"? Answer, yes and then some. I can still put myself out there as boldly and strong as needed. I am still very a formidable force to be reckoned with. I honestly thought that part of me died. Was amazed to see myself in action. It was like I was watching myself from a distance at times. Surreal.
C. Priorities. Total sea change here. Was earn money, be successful, provide for family. Now money is not important. I need enough to eke out a modest existence, provide for my kids and send them to college in a couple of years. I have always sought, and never found, contentment and inner peace. I am closer to these things than ever in my life now. I don't want my legacy to be that I worked my ass off and had no time to have fun. I want it to be that I was a good man, a caring man. Someone who went beyond the basic provider role. I am no longer motivated and identified by my career status. I couldn't care less.

So what does this mean? I have gained a new confidence that in 42+ yrs I have lacked. I have not gone to the well for fear of failure. But I know that I can do just about anything I set my mind to doing. So I`m going to take the risk and go into my own business. But not for the promise of huge financial gain. Again, I just need to pull out enough to live a simple life and provide for the kids. The thought of me controlling my work hours. Not working absurd hours so some company can make a profit. Of being my own decision maker. This is what drives me. I don't mind hard work, but it must be coupled with proper R&R. This is the piece that has been missing from my life.
I do not know anyone who gets laid off from their job that is not angry. Yes, I got screwed. Was used and abused. You know what? Who cares. I`m happier now than I have been in decades. I have seen the rat race and I decline to run it. I will carve out my own existence in this world, but as Sinatra sang, I`m going to do it my way. L`Chaim