August already?

Have not posted in quite a while. Not much to say I suppose. Found work after a 7 month dry spell. Not the best job, not the best pay. But its a job. I don't have much enthusiasm for being a sales associate in a Sporting Goods store. But its something to kill time. Just wish I was earning more. But whatever. I'm on my feet again for 8 straight hours. Hard floor, hot. The ac sucks there. Not much fun. People I work with seem nice and its a pretty laid back atmosphere so that cool. Finally off after a tough four day stretch, including tax fee weekend. We were very busy and I was running pretty much non stop outside of a half hour break. I'm pretty tired out after that. I do not have the energy level I once had for that. This is a job for younger people, using it as a steping stone to greater things. Not for people like me. But its something to do while I continue my education and once I have the Bachelors degree I will look for something that makes more sense. In the meantime life just is not much fun. Kids go back to school the 16th. Between my work schedule, Laurens school, ACT class and work schedule and Matthews school and marching band schedule its going to be very hard to find time to spend with them. I need to figure out a way around this. Not easy. Ex wife is still giving me shit. I am paying $700 towards Matts trip, had to twist her arm for $280, the rest will come from my mom and dad. She refuses to pay any of Laurens ACT class with is $1675.00. She is the most greedy, selfish person I think I have ever heard of. Someday, I'll have the last laugh. Until then....

Sitrep- FUBAR

I had forgotten my motto, to fly low, under the radar. I foolishly attempted to try to lead a normal life. But I cannot do that, can I? I cannot exist in this world as the average citizen. That has been robbed from me. I cannot have normal interactions with people. I have been given one option only. Be alone. Be reclusive. Do not under any circumstances put yourself out there. Trust no one, outside of a very tight circle of family and friends. So I withdraw, again, Reminded of how tenuous my existence is and how so simply it would be for me to be banished back into hell. Hell has a certain reputation. It is valid. True. Nonexistence is better than hell. I have come a long way, I have learned to accept powerlessness. Loss of control. But it is a bitter pill and the memory will never cease to dredge up remnants of its taste on my tongue.
I have my children. I spend time with and am involved with them. Thank God. Thank God. I live in a nice home, nice neighborhood. Be grateful. Be thankful. Don't expect much more, be happy with what I have.
Me, a nonconformist, has been beaten into conforming. Lay down my sword and shield. Roll over. Yet my spirit still tries to burn hot and bright. It screams to me from within and I fight it, battle it down. I cannot, I tell it. I simply cannot. So externally I acquiesce, while internally the spirit shrieks to break free of the bondage imposed upon it. Why? Ha! Never will get that answer. Waste of time asking.
Job front is bleak. A couple of weeks ago it seemed to be turning. I was going on interviews, daily ads to answer. But it stopped. I have never seen it so bleak. There is nothing. My UI benefits are continued. No desperation yet. I continue to work at it daily. But who wants me? Would I hire me? Sadly..no, I would not.
College has been good thus far. First two classes are fairly easy. I don't feel challenged yet. Next block of classes things get more interesting. Meantime, I'll work hard and earn good grades. Why not? Government wants to hand me thousands of dollars in grant money to do this, who am I to say no? The least they could do. The very least.
Turn 43 in one week. Look at me. Ruined. A shell of who/what I was. Pathetic.

Internet Socialization/Education/Masturbation

The Internet. Hard to remember life without it? Like when ATMs were new. I remember having to get my ass to the bank with my paycheck Friday to deposit or cash it or I was totally fucked. Does Friday get capitalized? Jeez, I used to be an excellent speller, knew all that shit. I`m fried.
Internet Happening #1. I have enrolled in college. I know, I cant quite believe it either. It will be 100% online. The Government is paying most of it. Honestly, that was the kicker. I did want to finish up my degree. But getting the government to pay for most of it. Good. They owe me.

Internet Happening #2. Online dating. I have a date Sunday with someone I have never met in person. Never spoke to you. Just found out her name a few hours ago. We exchanged correspondence for a couple of days. Saw each others pictures and profiles. There you have it. Instant date. I am quite confused over it all. We`ll see what happens. Details to follow. Then theres another one who I think we will be exchanging phone numbers tomorrow. What a strange, strange world it has become while I was away from it all. The dating world that is.

Lets see. I covered the education and socialization. Of course! Masturbation. The Internet comes in handy for that as well. So there you have it. A trifecta.

I`m not here to fuss, complain, bitch, blast, moan....all pathetic crap I usually do. Am I happy. No. I don't think so. But what I have been doing hasn't done the trick so I`m changing it up. Putting myself out there. Dating. College. Still seeking employment so i can make some money and move. That situation isn't good. But whatever.
It is what it is.

Diet/Exercise/Hydration..Joy!

Dr. says my A1C level is not good. What the hell is an A1C? Blood sugar (glucose). Well this explains feeling like death at some point every day I suppose. To stave off medications I need to make radical changes. Me, I don't do change well at all. But my body is insisting. So here we go.
I am a HUGE carb. junkie. I need my breads/bagels/pasta! Guess what I cant eat anymore? I can have rye bread, and that makes me happy. I`ll limit pasta to once a week, but on that day I will eat zero carbs all day to compensate. Well close to zero. I also must eat small meals throughout the day. Snacks rather. Almonds, apples, bananas. That kind of stuff in between meals. I have done this the last couple days and have not crashed out at all. But once I`m working again this will be a bit more of a challenge I would think.
The harder part has been remembering to drink enough. I had two cups of coffee this morning and realized it was after 12 and I hadn't had any water yet. So I forced a glass of water. I will to really drink another 4 glasses between now and dinner. I am so used to drinking nothing all day and then forcing myself to drink allot in the evening. Funny how something that sounds so simple is really difficult.
I`m tired of being fat. Although I haven't really gained much in several years, I haven't lost either. 233 pounds is absurd. If I could get into the 180`s I think that would be ideal. Even 190. Its all in my gut, not very attractive. Couple that with my hairy chest, back, etc. and I`m not exactly going to be attracting many women at the pool or beach! So loose weight, shave back. Think the ex will shave the back for me when she does my haircut. Shes at least good for that.
If I don't find myself attractive I cant expect anyone else to either. Its so weird for me because I grew up looking like one of those starving Ethiopians you used to see. I was a stick figure. My mother, who if her dog is feed a minute later than usual freaks out, didn't see fit to feed me. I remember being sent down to Florida to stay with my grandmothers when I was around 14 or 15 with the hope the could fatten me up some. Now look at me!
Plus my kids are chunky and that's no good. Lauren has no physical activity. Matthew, in the summer and fall looks great because of band camp and marching band season. Then he gets chunky again. I need to set the example and stop being so fucking lazy. Of course, feeling like death was helping to motivate me. When you are at the brink of passing out and incoherent going to exercise isn't exactly want I would want to do. If I`m feeling semi human, than I can get myself moving and motivated. Sounds good at least.
Still no job. Not for lack of effort. Unemployment here is higher than the national average, its around 11%. In 5 wks I`m screwed. Either I find something or pray they pass an extension.
Mood wise I bounce around. The whole Rabbi/Jodi thing still makes my blood boil. I hate that I allow then free rent in my head like that, but every time I hear that they all went to a play, or out to dinner, or whatever I get royally pissed off. The SOB shacking up with my ex and kids when he was my friend and clergy, confidant in all the shit she was putting me through. Well no one has every fucked me over so bad. Not even Jodi and her affairs. Meanwhile he is to infatuated to realize she is there for one thing. Money. How pathetic.
I really have no life and I`m not happy about that. So ideally working on my physical self and making money again should get me to start to work on that. That's the plan as of today.
Its been crazy hot here for the past week. Close to 90*. We don't get that hot mid summer. Its been dry heat though and I must admit its been nice. But that changes today, storms and a high of only 56 tomorrow, low of 33. That SUCKS!.
Peace.

Diet!?? F&$K That!

Went for lab work a couple of weeks ago, my new doctor insisted and since I hope to eventually win him over to the dark side and maybe score some scripts I agreed. I never show up the slighest problem on this kind of stuff. However I have learned about something new. A1C. Whats that? Thats some sort of blood sugar indicator. Anyways, I figured it was a bad sign when I got a letter from my Dr.saying to call him and then he actually called me. Follow up appointment in about a week to go into details but bottom line, test result not good. The news is I now know while I pretty much always feel like crap. The bad news is what I fear it may be. Which would mean major diet change. I dont do diets. My diet is simple. It tastes good, I like it. I eat it. Lots of it. I cannot survive without my bagels and pasta. I cant! So I think I`m screwed.
Details to follow after the appointment. I`m now going to go eat a large pizza with all the toppings and drink several beers, then burp and fart until I fall asleep later.

I lay down my sword and shield.

I wonder if anyone has figured out the fish on the right of this column. Move your cursor and the fish follow it. Pretty cool. I`m a simple person. Things like that amuse me.
What is up in Markworld? Lets see. Ah. Yes. I surprised myself yesterday. Wrote an angry text to the exwife, and then did not hit send. Simply erased it. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I simply have not had the ability to stand down. So for Mr. Hot head over here to simply "let it slide" is amazing. Yes I was right. Of course. This is my fucking blog, and I am always right. She and her live in Rabbi were way out of line. But I simply decided that rather than pull the pin on the grenade, I will simply lay it down and walk away. Maybe I am learning? Or maybe I am so beaten down that I`ve had enough. Combination of the two I suspect.
What was cool is my daughter, at 16, is wise well beyond her years and when she senses I am about to blow because of her mother tells me that I have far better things to worry about then her mom. God bless the child. I think God sent me an angel with that one. She knows her mom is NUTS. That fact pleases more than anything I can think of. That I am not alone in seeing her for what she is.
Still I seem to have this connection to Jodi and its disturbing. We talk practically daily. Of course we have 2 teenage kids. But I don't know. I think under the hurt and pain we may still carry a torch for one another. I have come to that realization and it has kept me up more than one night. How can I possibly have any feelings left for her after all the horrible things that happened. I was abandoned in my darkest hour. She has said some of meanest, nastiest things anyone has have said to me. Been cold. Cruel. Yet I pine for her? What the hell is wrong with me? I am very confused. I will not ever allow us to get back together, I don't think she would either. But part of me really misses her. Why? How can this be? I`m pathetic! Worst thing is, I dated a very nice woman a year ago for a few months and then broke it off. I have no conscious idea of why. Perhaps she was too nice to me? And I being battle scarred and majorly damaged from some awful experience within the last 5 yrs of my life simply had no ability to understand it. How can you like me? How can you be kind to me? Look at me. Past, present and future. Distant past, good. Recent past a horror story. Future, no way to tell but the deck is sure stacked against. I`m a fighter, I will go on in whatever shape or form I am destined to. How can I expect anyone to want to take the ride with me?
So alone I must stay. I have accepted that. I will be alone.

Salting the wound. and miscellaneous crap.

Ventured into hostile territory over the weekend. To a place where I figured I would not have much welcome. However all went well. But I do not intend to return unless there is a special occasion and my kids want me there. I do not see the wisdom in reopening what I feel are fairly well scarred over wounds. Why put oneself through that? I am, and have been, all about moving forward. Going back isn't an answer to anything. The past is gone. Let it die and rest in peace. Cant do a damn thing about it. But actions taken in the here and now, the present, can pave the road to the future. So forward is the only way to go. I am convinced. Besides, why would I want to go back?
I think its weak. Pining for the glorious past. Guess what? It wasn't so glorious. You hear these news morons saying they wish things were so much simpler like when they were young. When your young, yeah, its simple. Was life easier? No. Life is hard. The simple motto is "Don't be a Pussy". Take risks. Get out there and live it. And if your not content, you have the power to make changes. You may not have the balls to do it though. Separate issue.
I find these blogs interesting. You can write about topics close to your heart. You can use it to vent (as I tend to). You can use it to simply bitch and moan. I think if your going to give someone a snapshot into your life, be accurate. Good stuff happens as does bad stuff. Its the old half empty or half full. Me, some days are more empty, some more full. And that, I believe, is the way it should be. Delusion, psychotic people are eternally happy. Miserable, depressed people the opposite. I swing both ways. For that is life.

Blah, blah, blah.....

I`ve been neglectful of my little blog, but once again my friend Miriam made mention of her blog and I was reminded. As sometimes this is cathartic for me, I figured I would post today.
Whats new? Nothing good. Lots of suckiness. New word. Suckiness. Lets see where to begin?
Ok, discovered I could come up with plenty of money to start or buy a business and float it for about a year. However, after that I`d be broke and the fact is that after much research I have determined that any business would take a minimum of 36 months before I could pull a decent salary out of it. Could be profitable in 9-18 months, but profitable PLUS paying me decently, that would take a bit and I simply cannot go into debt of around $300,000, which is realistically what I would need to do to purchase/startup, build a business and support me for 3 yrs. Thats just too much of a note to be paying down and would suck funds right off the bottom line. So back to the job search. Yuck.
Gave up my place. In all fairness it rents for $1300/mo. and I can about afford $300 right now. SO I have moved into the guest room at my parents house. Nice house. Lots of room. And if this isnt very temporary, until I`m working again, I WILL kill myself. Because while I`m giving my space and all..still. This blows. I`m hoping within 90 days I find something and can get back out on my own again. Because again, if not I will have to end my life.
Suckiness.
Need to sell the BMW that Jodi, in her infinite wisdom, purchased. I`ll sell it and buy Lauren a car. She has earned it for her junior year.
I am watching my bank out go the wrong direction. Have burned through $1000, above my unemployment check, in the past 8 weeks. Not good. I need to radically ratchet down my spending to more match my income. Yeah, right. Like thats gonna happen.
I have no life. I have become a loner, a hermit. I do nothing. I have little. Outside of my children. I still have the dad gig at least.
Well this was cheery just to write.

Exsisting Ain`t Enough

I exist. That's about it. I have had over a year and a half to study myself and make new discoveries. The "reborn" me has been full of revelations. Some are;
1. I have ZERO patience for negativity and nastiness and will shut it down quick if its around me. I physically cannot deal with it. Which makes interacting with most of my family a strain on me. Not too mention humans in general.
2. If I could retire today I would. Work/career no longer defines me. Too many men allow that to happen and what happens is before you know it your kids are off to college and you barely know them. Years later you retire and then discover this women that has shared your bed all these years, you don't know her either. Life is not about what work you do or how well you do it. How sad it took personal tragedy for me to see this. I was the proud provider of things. Nice house, cars, vacations, etc.. That's just not what its about.
3. Eventually I will begin to date. However not now. Not yet. Still need my independence way to fiercely. Not ready to share of myself.
4. The missing piece of the puzzle that is me is the social and fun piece. Its missing. I have yet to find it. I like to have fun. But cant seem to get off my ass and do something about this. I guess its not an overwhelming self need yet. However I am acutely aware of my loneliness and boredom.

I simply exist. And that's not enough, to just exist. I am a dad, and I suppose that has been my defining purpose. Making up for the big mess mid-decade. Kids didn't deserve that. So I ride the wave of guilt.
I have given momentary thought to just saying "fuck it" and ending this experiment. But my kids need me, so I shall continue to..exist.

Trash Begets Trash....

I used to tell the ex, white trash begets white trash, to describe a couple we new that, despite all efforts to pretend otherwise, were white trash. All they needed was a trailer to live in. But when trash wins frivolous lawsuit after frivolous lawsuit, they have money. To buy pictures of NASCAR stuff with. One time, when my daughter was around 3 or 4 yrs old she got hurt in their yard. They wanted me to sue them so we could get a ton of money and could not understand why I said no to this.
Why am I reflecting back on these nasty people? Don't know. I have been doing allot of reflecting as of late. I guess after what I`ve been through, it seems a tad unfair this whole life thing in general. But what are ya gonna do? right?
Not much doing. I`m unemployed and have pretty much decided to take the plunge and buy a business. Looking at 2 in particular. It would mean using the family money, alot of it. The upside is that its there. The downside is that its there. I will be selling my soul in some ways. But I don't think I really have one of those anyway and if I did Jodi killed it while I was sleeping many years ago I`m certain. I actually recall feeling my life force ebb in her presence. I thought I was stronger and good is supposed to be stronger than evil. I have learned that is a myth. Evil overpowers and snuffs out good every time. BUT good can outsmart evil. Problem was, my personal evil was a hot blond that was fun in the sack. So she ultimately used those skills to outsmart me. I was such a young naive fool! So, so stupid.
I worried about my kids. Was evil genetic? I am happy to see that it is not passed along. That her mental illness and general evilness did not pass to the kids. They simply have too much of me in them. She knows this..and it drives her crazy! She actually will get mad at the kids when she sees them doing something like me, eating foods I like, emulating me. That's whats important, my kids are good. So good that my daughter at 16 is seeing her mom for what she is. My son, I believe does as well, but she babies him and he likes that. But the girl is onto her mom and while I do not say anything to lead her to her conclusion and try to be supportive of her mom, secretly I could not be more thrilled.
There I said it.
Hasta La Vista

Doing it my way.

SO much happening in so little time. All good stuff though.
The past year has been like an experiment. A demented science project featuring me. I needed to set out to discover a few things about myself:
A. Damage assessment. This is ongoing as I am more often than not surprising myself by how I view and react to things in my world. The most fascinating part of the year long journey thus far.
B. Do I still have "it"? Answer, yes and then some. I can still put myself out there as boldly and strong as needed. I am still very a formidable force to be reckoned with. I honestly thought that part of me died. Was amazed to see myself in action. It was like I was watching myself from a distance at times. Surreal.
C. Priorities. Total sea change here. Was earn money, be successful, provide for family. Now money is not important. I need enough to eke out a modest existence, provide for my kids and send them to college in a couple of years. I have always sought, and never found, contentment and inner peace. I am closer to these things than ever in my life now. I don't want my legacy to be that I worked my ass off and had no time to have fun. I want it to be that I was a good man, a caring man. Someone who went beyond the basic provider role. I am no longer motivated and identified by my career status. I couldn't care less.

So what does this mean? I have gained a new confidence that in 42+ yrs I have lacked. I have not gone to the well for fear of failure. But I know that I can do just about anything I set my mind to doing. So I`m going to take the risk and go into my own business. But not for the promise of huge financial gain. Again, I just need to pull out enough to live a simple life and provide for the kids. The thought of me controlling my work hours. Not working absurd hours so some company can make a profit. Of being my own decision maker. This is what drives me. I don't mind hard work, but it must be coupled with proper R&R. This is the piece that has been missing from my life.
I do not know anyone who gets laid off from their job that is not angry. Yes, I got screwed. Was used and abused. You know what? Who cares. I`m happier now than I have been in decades. I have seen the rat race and I decline to run it. I will carve out my own existence in this world, but as Sinatra sang, I`m going to do it my way. L`Chaim