I lay down my sword and shield.

I wonder if anyone has figured out the fish on the right of this column. Move your cursor and the fish follow it. Pretty cool. I`m a simple person. Things like that amuse me.
What is up in Markworld? Lets see. Ah. Yes. I surprised myself yesterday. Wrote an angry text to the exwife, and then did not hit send. Simply erased it. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I simply have not had the ability to stand down. So for Mr. Hot head over here to simply "let it slide" is amazing. Yes I was right. Of course. This is my fucking blog, and I am always right. She and her live in Rabbi were way out of line. But I simply decided that rather than pull the pin on the grenade, I will simply lay it down and walk away. Maybe I am learning? Or maybe I am so beaten down that I`ve had enough. Combination of the two I suspect.
What was cool is my daughter, at 16, is wise well beyond her years and when she senses I am about to blow because of her mother tells me that I have far better things to worry about then her mom. God bless the child. I think God sent me an angel with that one. She knows her mom is NUTS. That fact pleases more than anything I can think of. That I am not alone in seeing her for what she is.
Still I seem to have this connection to Jodi and its disturbing. We talk practically daily. Of course we have 2 teenage kids. But I don't know. I think under the hurt and pain we may still carry a torch for one another. I have come to that realization and it has kept me up more than one night. How can I possibly have any feelings left for her after all the horrible things that happened. I was abandoned in my darkest hour. She has said some of meanest, nastiest things anyone has have said to me. Been cold. Cruel. Yet I pine for her? What the hell is wrong with me? I am very confused. I will not ever allow us to get back together, I don't think she would either. But part of me really misses her. Why? How can this be? I`m pathetic! Worst thing is, I dated a very nice woman a year ago for a few months and then broke it off. I have no conscious idea of why. Perhaps she was too nice to me? And I being battle scarred and majorly damaged from some awful experience within the last 5 yrs of my life simply had no ability to understand it. How can you like me? How can you be kind to me? Look at me. Past, present and future. Distant past, good. Recent past a horror story. Future, no way to tell but the deck is sure stacked against. I`m a fighter, I will go on in whatever shape or form I am destined to. How can I expect anyone to want to take the ride with me?
So alone I must stay. I have accepted that. I will be alone.