Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more..

Well here we go. After my disaster I emerged fairly battered yet intact, on the outside at least. One thing I discovered was the fire was out. I always had within me a very strong will. I was passionate. I didn't take shit from anyone. In business I was ruthless. I pillaged and plundered and played to win. Was very successful overall. I had an overwhelming desire, a need to succeed and would do whatever it took to do so. That was the fire. And it was fully extinguished. Life for the past year has been just going through the motions. I have had no fight in me. Jodi gives me shit, I don't stand up for myself. Career wise, I enjoy my job and did want to move up but have been a bit afraid because a move into management, the resurrection of my career, requires that fire to be burning bright and hot. I am confident in my abilities. I still play to win. But there is a part of me that is ambivalent. I have had to survive the past few years under the worst pressures imaginable. I have been strong. Is there anything left in me to handle the pressures ahead? Because the pressure will be intense. The expectations for the new store and cafe are extremely high. They expect the cafe operation, my operation, to lead the district if not region. That's going against Atlanta, Charlotte, Miami,etc.. I suppose one of two things will happen. I will do it and do it well or I will spin apart. I know myself and I do know that after surviving what I survived it would take a whole lot to blow me away. So I think I will do just fine.

Shot through the heart..maybe a solution rather than a problem?

Talking to darling daughter about the big quincetera party thing that she is in the dancing court for tommorow night and I said its nice that your brother was invited too. She said, oh yeah, everybody in the dancing court had their families invited. I said, really? So mom, Matt, you and.....rabbi. She became rather quiet at that point. I was pissed and just said, well have fun and hung up. Then I called her back, she didnt answer, so I texted her and said she`d best call me. She calls and I said, define family. No answer from her. So I said, so I`m not your dad? who is? how convenient for you to have a substitute dad hanging around. she says, I`m not substituting you, your my dad. So I said, thats funny. you didnt let me come to drop you or pick you up at camp, mom and rabbi did. You didnt invite me to attend tommorow night. I said you know what, all I do is work my ass off so you can have things. Your damn expensive bra for the dress and other things you needed, sleepaway camp, trip to Chicago, your moms going to Boston in a couple weeks. What do I get?! NOTHING. I get kicked in the nuts! (didnt say that).
I said to her that I cant believe that this girl I held and fed as a baby and played with and loved with all my heart can treat me this way. Then I got teary eyed and hung up.
The vision I have of the future is not a smooth road, no mater how hard I try I feel that I will never find happiness, contentment..love. Peace.
It sucks

And for but the grace of God go I

Have, or I guess, had a friend that I considered a someone whom I was close with. We were good friends back in the 80`s early 90`s, drifted apart and reconnected about a year ago. She is a good person with what I thought was a heart of gold. We would talk at least weekly, emails a couple times a week and Im daily. About a month or 2 ago she stops returning my calls, doesn't respond to my emails, ignores my IM`s. I have left messages saying that I have no clue whats wrong and to please let me know why she is obviously upset with me. No responses. Very odd. Very sad. She knows my crazy story and has been very supportive. Sad to lose someones friendship that you valued, especially when that person cant even tell you why. But such is life.
Still feeling like shit. I had to borrow $ from my neighbor, who kind of knows my deal, so I am going to the doctor later this morning. Need to be at work by 2:30 and wont get out until around 11:00pm. No way I am well enough for that but I cannot afford to lose more $ being out sick, so I will simply need to tough it out. As is I lost 8hrs on Saturday b/c I was sick.
Its tough to live this way. I have a couple of close friends that I feel I can totally confide in and thank God for them. One I have known since I was 3 yrs old! Another who is just a sweetheart of a girl and while was never close with was an acquaintance in past (I did see her boobies once!) and I have recently reconnected with. I have friends that I enjoy talking to, but why go into my depressing tale of woe! Makes me sad recounting it!! I`m grateful for who I have in my life and I suppose I am still in the process of discovering just who is who in my life.

SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!! I was home all day feeling like death. The illness of last week that I thought I had beaten was merely lying low for a few days and has resurfaced with a vengeance. My eyes and ears feel like they are going to explode. I`ve lost my voice, coughing..BLECH! I figured a day of rest was in order so thats what I did. Had a 4:30 appt but was back home before 6. I grilled a couple of Bubba burgers (not bad stuff) had some potato salad and cheese doodles (I have decided that cheese doodles can count as a side dish in my world), then some blueberries and whipped cream. Gotta eat, right? Need energy to find off the illness. Cant afford to miss work so today was the day to try and recuperate somewhat.
Anyway, as dusk fell it started pouring. Of course dog needed to go out, so I get the umbrella, ella, ella (hate that song) and go out only to discover a gigantic black nasty snake sprawled out at the end of the driveway taking a bath (I assume). I very carefully avoided it and when I came back with dog 5 minutes later it was gone. How am I ever going to enjoy my front porch and yard ever again??
This I really needed.
Work has been the same. Still no word on the promotion, this week the regional mgr was on vacation so no decisions were made. So I will await next weeks excuse I suppose. I really need this I simply cannot survive much longer on what I`m pulling in. Plus could really use benefits. Thinking if I had benefits I would have seen a doc last week and not be feeling like hammered shit right now!
Ah well. such is life.

oops.

Well daughter called me on the way home from camp. I was surprised by this. She said she did not have my address with her and wrote her mom asking for it but her mom never sent it (very believable) and she received the emails I sent and was very appreciative. Hmmmm. So that took some of the wind out of my sails. Still think I will give her a good lecture later this week, but I am not as livid as I was. Plus she is sick so I feel bad.
Here's the problem, I love her too much to be too harsh with her and as soon as I hear her voice my heart melts. But I will be stern when I need to be.
Work sucked today. Everyone seems grumpy. All the stress from not knowing what is happening and who is going to the "south" store and in what position and who is going to move up in the "north" store is beginning to take its toll and its noticeable. They really need to make decisions this week and not let it ride out any longer. They have no choice but to have everything set up by months end as that's when work at the new location starts. But the longer they drag their feet the more stressful it will become. I predict the next week or two will be difficult if they do not start things moving forward.
Off tomorrow, so that's good. Need a day of peace (hopefully).

Daughter in deep poo with me!

I am extremely pissed off at my daughter. The child is coming back from camp tomorrow and on my day off Thursday I plan on going down to see her. I have talked to her mom and the 3 of us are going to have a sit down..with me doing the talking.
The child has had a major attitude towards me all year long (since my "return"). I can understand it..to a point. But her recent behavior has pushed me over the line. I spent $750.00 I DO NOT HAVE so she could go to camp. I negotiated like crazy to get them down to this amount. I need to give $200.00 towards her plane ticket to Chicago in August to see her friend. I buy her clothes, books , etc., like a dad should, of course. What do I get in return? MAYBE an occasional visit from her. And while away at camp she wrote her mom 4 letters, wrote me zero. Not even a quick "happy fathers day" on fathers day. So this nastiness plus her crappy school performance last year has led to a discussion with her mom and what I hope will be a united front.
Meeting#1 is this week. We will discuss her upcoming orthopedists appointment, she has no idea that the test results showed something. Then I plan on "opening a can of whup ass" on the child. Simply and strongly telling her that I cannot believe a child of mine could be so damn selfish, insensitive and greedy and that her attitude best come around 180* or I WILL make her life a living hell. I will NOT have a 15 yr old snotty bitch for a daughter. She needs to get over what happened to me and move forward. Its done. Over. She needs to be grateful for what she has and realize that all could be lost in the blink of an eye. She needs to learn the value of $ and that it is earned..not some sort of birthright to the mighty Platt/Silver fortune (LOL).
I have asked Jodi to not say anything and to support me and that if she disagrees with me to do it in private, not in front of of Lauren. See thats what Laurrens game has been, cry to mom, mom calls me and tees off. UhUh..no more. Game over.
Phase 2 will be in August before school starts. New rules in place. NO CELLPHONES DURING THE SCHOOLDAY OR AT NIGHT except for a couple of hours at the end of the evening. Turning texting OFF. If after the first quarter no grade is lower than a B, than some of this will be relaxed. Any grades lower than a B, where I feel she hasnt made a strong effort and NO DRIVERS LICENSE.
Meanwhile my son is as sweet as can be, grateful, polite, etc.. What did he get this summer? NADA. He pulled a B average last year. No camp. No trip. This is bullshit. I`m making changes.BIG TIME CHANGES!
The girl best watch her ass with me.