Went for lab work a couple of weeks ago, my new doctor insisted and since I hope to eventually win him over to the dark side and maybe score some scripts I agreed. I never show up the slighest problem on this kind of stuff. However I have learned about something new. A1C. Whats that? Thats some sort of blood sugar indicator. Anyways, I figured it was a bad sign when I got a letter from my Dr.saying to call him and then he actually called me. Follow up appointment in about a week to go into details but bottom line, test result not good. The news is I now know while I pretty much always feel like crap. The bad news is what I fear it may be. Which would mean major diet change. I dont do diets. My diet is simple. It tastes good, I like it. I eat it. Lots of it. I cannot survive without my bagels and pasta. I cant! So I think I`m screwed.
Details to follow after the appointment. I`m now going to go eat a large pizza with all the toppings and drink several beers, then burp and fart until I fall asleep later.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
I lay down my sword and shield.
I wonder if anyone has figured out the fish on the right of this column. Move your cursor and the fish follow it. Pretty cool. I`m a simple person. Things like that amuse me.
What is up in Markworld? Lets see. Ah. Yes. I surprised myself yesterday. Wrote an angry text to the exwife, and then did not hit send. Simply erased it. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I simply have not had the ability to stand down. So for Mr. Hot head over here to simply "let it slide" is amazing. Yes I was right. Of course. This is my fucking blog, and I am always right. She and her live in Rabbi were way out of line. But I simply decided that rather than pull the pin on the grenade, I will simply lay it down and walk away. Maybe I am learning? Or maybe I am so beaten down that I`ve had enough. Combination of the two I suspect.
What was cool is my daughter, at 16, is wise well beyond her years and when she senses I am about to blow because of her mother tells me that I have far better things to worry about then her mom. God bless the child. I think God sent me an angel with that one. She knows her mom is NUTS. That fact pleases more than anything I can think of. That I am not alone in seeing her for what she is.
Still I seem to have this connection to Jodi and its disturbing. We talk practically daily. Of course we have 2 teenage kids. But I don't know. I think under the hurt and pain we may still carry a torch for one another. I have come to that realization and it has kept me up more than one night. How can I possibly have any feelings left for her after all the horrible things that happened. I was abandoned in my darkest hour. She has said some of meanest, nastiest things anyone has have said to me. Been cold. Cruel. Yet I pine for her? What the hell is wrong with me? I am very confused. I will not ever allow us to get back together, I don't think she would either. But part of me really misses her. Why? How can this be? I`m pathetic! Worst thing is, I dated a very nice woman a year ago for a few months and then broke it off. I have no conscious idea of why. Perhaps she was too nice to me? And I being battle scarred and majorly damaged from some awful experience within the last 5 yrs of my life simply had no ability to understand it. How can you like me? How can you be kind to me? Look at me. Past, present and future. Distant past, good. Recent past a horror story. Future, no way to tell but the deck is sure stacked against. I`m a fighter, I will go on in whatever shape or form I am destined to. How can I expect anyone to want to take the ride with me?
So alone I must stay. I have accepted that. I will be alone.
What is up in Markworld? Lets see. Ah. Yes. I surprised myself yesterday. Wrote an angry text to the exwife, and then did not hit send. Simply erased it. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I simply have not had the ability to stand down. So for Mr. Hot head over here to simply "let it slide" is amazing. Yes I was right. Of course. This is my fucking blog, and I am always right. She and her live in Rabbi were way out of line. But I simply decided that rather than pull the pin on the grenade, I will simply lay it down and walk away. Maybe I am learning? Or maybe I am so beaten down that I`ve had enough. Combination of the two I suspect.
What was cool is my daughter, at 16, is wise well beyond her years and when she senses I am about to blow because of her mother tells me that I have far better things to worry about then her mom. God bless the child. I think God sent me an angel with that one. She knows her mom is NUTS. That fact pleases more than anything I can think of. That I am not alone in seeing her for what she is.
Still I seem to have this connection to Jodi and its disturbing. We talk practically daily. Of course we have 2 teenage kids. But I don't know. I think under the hurt and pain we may still carry a torch for one another. I have come to that realization and it has kept me up more than one night. How can I possibly have any feelings left for her after all the horrible things that happened. I was abandoned in my darkest hour. She has said some of meanest, nastiest things anyone has have said to me. Been cold. Cruel. Yet I pine for her? What the hell is wrong with me? I am very confused. I will not ever allow us to get back together, I don't think she would either. But part of me really misses her. Why? How can this be? I`m pathetic! Worst thing is, I dated a very nice woman a year ago for a few months and then broke it off. I have no conscious idea of why. Perhaps she was too nice to me? And I being battle scarred and majorly damaged from some awful experience within the last 5 yrs of my life simply had no ability to understand it. How can you like me? How can you be kind to me? Look at me. Past, present and future. Distant past, good. Recent past a horror story. Future, no way to tell but the deck is sure stacked against. I`m a fighter, I will go on in whatever shape or form I am destined to. How can I expect anyone to want to take the ride with me?
So alone I must stay. I have accepted that. I will be alone.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Salting the wound. and miscellaneous crap.
Ventured into hostile territory over the weekend. To a place where I figured I would not have much welcome. However all went well. But I do not intend to return unless there is a special occasion and my kids want me there. I do not see the wisdom in reopening what I feel are fairly well scarred over wounds. Why put oneself through that? I am, and have been, all about moving forward. Going back isn't an answer to anything. The past is gone. Let it die and rest in peace. Cant do a damn thing about it. But actions taken in the here and now, the present, can pave the road to the future. So forward is the only way to go. I am convinced. Besides, why would I want to go back?
I think its weak. Pining for the glorious past. Guess what? It wasn't so glorious. You hear these news morons saying they wish things were so much simpler like when they were young. When your young, yeah, its simple. Was life easier? No. Life is hard. The simple motto is "Don't be a Pussy". Take risks. Get out there and live it. And if your not content, you have the power to make changes. You may not have the balls to do it though. Separate issue.
I find these blogs interesting. You can write about topics close to your heart. You can use it to vent (as I tend to). You can use it to simply bitch and moan. I think if your going to give someone a snapshot into your life, be accurate. Good stuff happens as does bad stuff. Its the old half empty or half full. Me, some days are more empty, some more full. And that, I believe, is the way it should be. Delusion, psychotic people are eternally happy. Miserable, depressed people the opposite. I swing both ways. For that is life.
I think its weak. Pining for the glorious past. Guess what? It wasn't so glorious. You hear these news morons saying they wish things were so much simpler like when they were young. When your young, yeah, its simple. Was life easier? No. Life is hard. The simple motto is "Don't be a Pussy". Take risks. Get out there and live it. And if your not content, you have the power to make changes. You may not have the balls to do it though. Separate issue.
I find these blogs interesting. You can write about topics close to your heart. You can use it to vent (as I tend to). You can use it to simply bitch and moan. I think if your going to give someone a snapshot into your life, be accurate. Good stuff happens as does bad stuff. Its the old half empty or half full. Me, some days are more empty, some more full. And that, I believe, is the way it should be. Delusion, psychotic people are eternally happy. Miserable, depressed people the opposite. I swing both ways. For that is life.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Blah, blah, blah.....
I`ve been neglectful of my little blog, but once again my friend Miriam made mention of her blog and I was reminded. As sometimes this is cathartic for me, I figured I would post today.
Whats new? Nothing good. Lots of suckiness. New word. Suckiness. Lets see where to begin?
Ok, discovered I could come up with plenty of money to start or buy a business and float it for about a year. However, after that I`d be broke and the fact is that after much research I have determined that any business would take a minimum of 36 months before I could pull a decent salary out of it. Could be profitable in 9-18 months, but profitable PLUS paying me decently, that would take a bit and I simply cannot go into debt of around $300,000, which is realistically what I would need to do to purchase/startup, build a business and support me for 3 yrs. Thats just too much of a note to be paying down and would suck funds right off the bottom line. So back to the job search. Yuck.
Gave up my place. In all fairness it rents for $1300/mo. and I can about afford $300 right now. SO I have moved into the guest room at my parents house. Nice house. Lots of room. And if this isnt very temporary, until I`m working again, I WILL kill myself. Because while I`m giving my space and all..still. This blows. I`m hoping within 90 days I find something and can get back out on my own again. Because again, if not I will have to end my life.
Suckiness.
Need to sell the BMW that Jodi, in her infinite wisdom, purchased. I`ll sell it and buy Lauren a car. She has earned it for her junior year.
I am watching my bank out go the wrong direction. Have burned through $1000, above my unemployment check, in the past 8 weeks. Not good. I need to radically ratchet down my spending to more match my income. Yeah, right. Like thats gonna happen.
I have no life. I have become a loner, a hermit. I do nothing. I have little. Outside of my children. I still have the dad gig at least.
Well this was cheery just to write.
Whats new? Nothing good. Lots of suckiness. New word. Suckiness. Lets see where to begin?
Ok, discovered I could come up with plenty of money to start or buy a business and float it for about a year. However, after that I`d be broke and the fact is that after much research I have determined that any business would take a minimum of 36 months before I could pull a decent salary out of it. Could be profitable in 9-18 months, but profitable PLUS paying me decently, that would take a bit and I simply cannot go into debt of around $300,000, which is realistically what I would need to do to purchase/startup, build a business and support me for 3 yrs. Thats just too much of a note to be paying down and would suck funds right off the bottom line. So back to the job search. Yuck.
Gave up my place. In all fairness it rents for $1300/mo. and I can about afford $300 right now. SO I have moved into the guest room at my parents house. Nice house. Lots of room. And if this isnt very temporary, until I`m working again, I WILL kill myself. Because while I`m giving my space and all..still. This blows. I`m hoping within 90 days I find something and can get back out on my own again. Because again, if not I will have to end my life.
Suckiness.
Need to sell the BMW that Jodi, in her infinite wisdom, purchased. I`ll sell it and buy Lauren a car. She has earned it for her junior year.
I am watching my bank out go the wrong direction. Have burned through $1000, above my unemployment check, in the past 8 weeks. Not good. I need to radically ratchet down my spending to more match my income. Yeah, right. Like thats gonna happen.
I have no life. I have become a loner, a hermit. I do nothing. I have little. Outside of my children. I still have the dad gig at least.
Well this was cheery just to write.
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