August already?

Have not posted in quite a while. Not much to say I suppose. Found work after a 7 month dry spell. Not the best job, not the best pay. But its a job. I don't have much enthusiasm for being a sales associate in a Sporting Goods store. But its something to kill time. Just wish I was earning more. But whatever. I'm on my feet again for 8 straight hours. Hard floor, hot. The ac sucks there. Not much fun. People I work with seem nice and its a pretty laid back atmosphere so that cool. Finally off after a tough four day stretch, including tax fee weekend. We were very busy and I was running pretty much non stop outside of a half hour break. I'm pretty tired out after that. I do not have the energy level I once had for that. This is a job for younger people, using it as a steping stone to greater things. Not for people like me. But its something to do while I continue my education and once I have the Bachelors degree I will look for something that makes more sense. In the meantime life just is not much fun. Kids go back to school the 16th. Between my work schedule, Laurens school, ACT class and work schedule and Matthews school and marching band schedule its going to be very hard to find time to spend with them. I need to figure out a way around this. Not easy. Ex wife is still giving me shit. I am paying $700 towards Matts trip, had to twist her arm for $280, the rest will come from my mom and dad. She refuses to pay any of Laurens ACT class with is $1675.00. She is the most greedy, selfish person I think I have ever heard of. Someday, I'll have the last laugh. Until then....

Sitrep- FUBAR

I had forgotten my motto, to fly low, under the radar. I foolishly attempted to try to lead a normal life. But I cannot do that, can I? I cannot exist in this world as the average citizen. That has been robbed from me. I cannot have normal interactions with people. I have been given one option only. Be alone. Be reclusive. Do not under any circumstances put yourself out there. Trust no one, outside of a very tight circle of family and friends. So I withdraw, again, Reminded of how tenuous my existence is and how so simply it would be for me to be banished back into hell. Hell has a certain reputation. It is valid. True. Nonexistence is better than hell. I have come a long way, I have learned to accept powerlessness. Loss of control. But it is a bitter pill and the memory will never cease to dredge up remnants of its taste on my tongue.
I have my children. I spend time with and am involved with them. Thank God. Thank God. I live in a nice home, nice neighborhood. Be grateful. Be thankful. Don't expect much more, be happy with what I have.
Me, a nonconformist, has been beaten into conforming. Lay down my sword and shield. Roll over. Yet my spirit still tries to burn hot and bright. It screams to me from within and I fight it, battle it down. I cannot, I tell it. I simply cannot. So externally I acquiesce, while internally the spirit shrieks to break free of the bondage imposed upon it. Why? Ha! Never will get that answer. Waste of time asking.
Job front is bleak. A couple of weeks ago it seemed to be turning. I was going on interviews, daily ads to answer. But it stopped. I have never seen it so bleak. There is nothing. My UI benefits are continued. No desperation yet. I continue to work at it daily. But who wants me? Would I hire me? Sadly..no, I would not.
College has been good thus far. First two classes are fairly easy. I don't feel challenged yet. Next block of classes things get more interesting. Meantime, I'll work hard and earn good grades. Why not? Government wants to hand me thousands of dollars in grant money to do this, who am I to say no? The least they could do. The very least.
Turn 43 in one week. Look at me. Ruined. A shell of who/what I was. Pathetic.

Internet Socialization/Education/Masturbation

The Internet. Hard to remember life without it? Like when ATMs were new. I remember having to get my ass to the bank with my paycheck Friday to deposit or cash it or I was totally fucked. Does Friday get capitalized? Jeez, I used to be an excellent speller, knew all that shit. I`m fried.
Internet Happening #1. I have enrolled in college. I know, I cant quite believe it either. It will be 100% online. The Government is paying most of it. Honestly, that was the kicker. I did want to finish up my degree. But getting the government to pay for most of it. Good. They owe me.

Internet Happening #2. Online dating. I have a date Sunday with someone I have never met in person. Never spoke to you. Just found out her name a few hours ago. We exchanged correspondence for a couple of days. Saw each others pictures and profiles. There you have it. Instant date. I am quite confused over it all. We`ll see what happens. Details to follow. Then theres another one who I think we will be exchanging phone numbers tomorrow. What a strange, strange world it has become while I was away from it all. The dating world that is.

Lets see. I covered the education and socialization. Of course! Masturbation. The Internet comes in handy for that as well. So there you have it. A trifecta.

I`m not here to fuss, complain, bitch, blast, moan....all pathetic crap I usually do. Am I happy. No. I don't think so. But what I have been doing hasn't done the trick so I`m changing it up. Putting myself out there. Dating. College. Still seeking employment so i can make some money and move. That situation isn't good. But whatever.
It is what it is.

Diet/Exercise/Hydration..Joy!

Dr. says my A1C level is not good. What the hell is an A1C? Blood sugar (glucose). Well this explains feeling like death at some point every day I suppose. To stave off medications I need to make radical changes. Me, I don't do change well at all. But my body is insisting. So here we go.
I am a HUGE carb. junkie. I need my breads/bagels/pasta! Guess what I cant eat anymore? I can have rye bread, and that makes me happy. I`ll limit pasta to once a week, but on that day I will eat zero carbs all day to compensate. Well close to zero. I also must eat small meals throughout the day. Snacks rather. Almonds, apples, bananas. That kind of stuff in between meals. I have done this the last couple days and have not crashed out at all. But once I`m working again this will be a bit more of a challenge I would think.
The harder part has been remembering to drink enough. I had two cups of coffee this morning and realized it was after 12 and I hadn't had any water yet. So I forced a glass of water. I will to really drink another 4 glasses between now and dinner. I am so used to drinking nothing all day and then forcing myself to drink allot in the evening. Funny how something that sounds so simple is really difficult.
I`m tired of being fat. Although I haven't really gained much in several years, I haven't lost either. 233 pounds is absurd. If I could get into the 180`s I think that would be ideal. Even 190. Its all in my gut, not very attractive. Couple that with my hairy chest, back, etc. and I`m not exactly going to be attracting many women at the pool or beach! So loose weight, shave back. Think the ex will shave the back for me when she does my haircut. Shes at least good for that.
If I don't find myself attractive I cant expect anyone else to either. Its so weird for me because I grew up looking like one of those starving Ethiopians you used to see. I was a stick figure. My mother, who if her dog is feed a minute later than usual freaks out, didn't see fit to feed me. I remember being sent down to Florida to stay with my grandmothers when I was around 14 or 15 with the hope the could fatten me up some. Now look at me!
Plus my kids are chunky and that's no good. Lauren has no physical activity. Matthew, in the summer and fall looks great because of band camp and marching band season. Then he gets chunky again. I need to set the example and stop being so fucking lazy. Of course, feeling like death was helping to motivate me. When you are at the brink of passing out and incoherent going to exercise isn't exactly want I would want to do. If I`m feeling semi human, than I can get myself moving and motivated. Sounds good at least.
Still no job. Not for lack of effort. Unemployment here is higher than the national average, its around 11%. In 5 wks I`m screwed. Either I find something or pray they pass an extension.
Mood wise I bounce around. The whole Rabbi/Jodi thing still makes my blood boil. I hate that I allow then free rent in my head like that, but every time I hear that they all went to a play, or out to dinner, or whatever I get royally pissed off. The SOB shacking up with my ex and kids when he was my friend and clergy, confidant in all the shit she was putting me through. Well no one has every fucked me over so bad. Not even Jodi and her affairs. Meanwhile he is to infatuated to realize she is there for one thing. Money. How pathetic.
I really have no life and I`m not happy about that. So ideally working on my physical self and making money again should get me to start to work on that. That's the plan as of today.
Its been crazy hot here for the past week. Close to 90*. We don't get that hot mid summer. Its been dry heat though and I must admit its been nice. But that changes today, storms and a high of only 56 tomorrow, low of 33. That SUCKS!.
Peace.

Diet!?? F&$K That!

Went for lab work a couple of weeks ago, my new doctor insisted and since I hope to eventually win him over to the dark side and maybe score some scripts I agreed. I never show up the slighest problem on this kind of stuff. However I have learned about something new. A1C. Whats that? Thats some sort of blood sugar indicator. Anyways, I figured it was a bad sign when I got a letter from my Dr.saying to call him and then he actually called me. Follow up appointment in about a week to go into details but bottom line, test result not good. The news is I now know while I pretty much always feel like crap. The bad news is what I fear it may be. Which would mean major diet change. I dont do diets. My diet is simple. It tastes good, I like it. I eat it. Lots of it. I cannot survive without my bagels and pasta. I cant! So I think I`m screwed.
Details to follow after the appointment. I`m now going to go eat a large pizza with all the toppings and drink several beers, then burp and fart until I fall asleep later.

I lay down my sword and shield.

I wonder if anyone has figured out the fish on the right of this column. Move your cursor and the fish follow it. Pretty cool. I`m a simple person. Things like that amuse me.
What is up in Markworld? Lets see. Ah. Yes. I surprised myself yesterday. Wrote an angry text to the exwife, and then did not hit send. Simply erased it. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I simply have not had the ability to stand down. So for Mr. Hot head over here to simply "let it slide" is amazing. Yes I was right. Of course. This is my fucking blog, and I am always right. She and her live in Rabbi were way out of line. But I simply decided that rather than pull the pin on the grenade, I will simply lay it down and walk away. Maybe I am learning? Or maybe I am so beaten down that I`ve had enough. Combination of the two I suspect.
What was cool is my daughter, at 16, is wise well beyond her years and when she senses I am about to blow because of her mother tells me that I have far better things to worry about then her mom. God bless the child. I think God sent me an angel with that one. She knows her mom is NUTS. That fact pleases more than anything I can think of. That I am not alone in seeing her for what she is.
Still I seem to have this connection to Jodi and its disturbing. We talk practically daily. Of course we have 2 teenage kids. But I don't know. I think under the hurt and pain we may still carry a torch for one another. I have come to that realization and it has kept me up more than one night. How can I possibly have any feelings left for her after all the horrible things that happened. I was abandoned in my darkest hour. She has said some of meanest, nastiest things anyone has have said to me. Been cold. Cruel. Yet I pine for her? What the hell is wrong with me? I am very confused. I will not ever allow us to get back together, I don't think she would either. But part of me really misses her. Why? How can this be? I`m pathetic! Worst thing is, I dated a very nice woman a year ago for a few months and then broke it off. I have no conscious idea of why. Perhaps she was too nice to me? And I being battle scarred and majorly damaged from some awful experience within the last 5 yrs of my life simply had no ability to understand it. How can you like me? How can you be kind to me? Look at me. Past, present and future. Distant past, good. Recent past a horror story. Future, no way to tell but the deck is sure stacked against. I`m a fighter, I will go on in whatever shape or form I am destined to. How can I expect anyone to want to take the ride with me?
So alone I must stay. I have accepted that. I will be alone.

Salting the wound. and miscellaneous crap.

Ventured into hostile territory over the weekend. To a place where I figured I would not have much welcome. However all went well. But I do not intend to return unless there is a special occasion and my kids want me there. I do not see the wisdom in reopening what I feel are fairly well scarred over wounds. Why put oneself through that? I am, and have been, all about moving forward. Going back isn't an answer to anything. The past is gone. Let it die and rest in peace. Cant do a damn thing about it. But actions taken in the here and now, the present, can pave the road to the future. So forward is the only way to go. I am convinced. Besides, why would I want to go back?
I think its weak. Pining for the glorious past. Guess what? It wasn't so glorious. You hear these news morons saying they wish things were so much simpler like when they were young. When your young, yeah, its simple. Was life easier? No. Life is hard. The simple motto is "Don't be a Pussy". Take risks. Get out there and live it. And if your not content, you have the power to make changes. You may not have the balls to do it though. Separate issue.
I find these blogs interesting. You can write about topics close to your heart. You can use it to vent (as I tend to). You can use it to simply bitch and moan. I think if your going to give someone a snapshot into your life, be accurate. Good stuff happens as does bad stuff. Its the old half empty or half full. Me, some days are more empty, some more full. And that, I believe, is the way it should be. Delusion, psychotic people are eternally happy. Miserable, depressed people the opposite. I swing both ways. For that is life.