In touch now with someone from my past. Never really new her well, but was always a nice person. Very pretty and for the HS version of me I felt way out of my league. Has had some similar experiences as far failed marriage, kids, special needs kid,etc.. Anyway she shared something she had written that really has me thinking. Kind of a self analysis.
Its interesting because I am in such an odd place in my life that I really don't know who I am anymore. I know the basics (good person, good dad, blah, blah, blah). But after what I have been through, is it really possible to come out ok? I don't think so. There must be damage, has to be. But where and when will I discover it. If I don't know what or where I cant begin to address it. Its concerning.
I know, as I have written before, that I have lost my "mojo". I can flirt like crazy, get `em on the hook. But then I stop there. What do I fear? I think I know part of the answer. The old me (late 20`-mid 30`s) was mr. confident. I could do anything I wanted and succeed. And I pretty much did. I was married and never pursued other women, but if I wanted to would have with reckless abandon. "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". This current version of me is battle scarred. Has all the desires, would love a relationship with the right person. Would definitely love having sex. That goes without saying! But cannot make that move. Dating, courting, etc. I do know part of that is just my current situation with all the complexities involved. But the old me would always find ways to make things happen.
So I immerse myself in my job and my children. Perhaps that is best. For now. But there is a giant hole in my soul, that until I find a way to fill it I don't think I will get to the level of peace and contentment I so desperately crave.
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Sure you can. Absolutely. Git 'er done!
ReplyDeleteYou CAN come through your experience o.k., and mostly, you have...just a bit worse for wear. Are you going allow that to affect everything you do for the rest of your life? It happened, it's over. Allowing it to define you would be a mistake, in my opinion. Here's another tip - the peace and contentment you are seeking are what is going to fill the hole, so you need to find that NOW! Where are you looking? Inside yourself? Or outside? Look at me playing life coach...but it's the truth of things, my dear! I will give you an exercise - make yourself a mantra that takes 17 seconds to say, and then say it every time you think of it. Something like, "Mark is an awesome individual who is an excellent father, motivated worker, and one choice piece of man that any woman would be lucky to have. The abundance spilling over from my cup is enough to help elevate everyone in my circle to the level of happiness they desire." Seriously! Stop laughing at me and give it a try! You will find that that hole in your soul fills itself in pretty quickly.
And who's the chick, by the way? She's one lucky girl! Get on it, man, or I'm gonna start charging for my advice!
I dont know where to look to fill that hole. I cannot take the normal steps to do so b/c I am tormented/haunted by my past.
ReplyDeleteI told you - now quit whining, and read my comment again! Slowly this time, so that you GET IT! I swear, if we were in the same state, I'd beat it into you, if I had to! NO MORE BULLSHIT! It's a Camper Van Beethoven song... but seriously, man, get with the program or no more sympathy.
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